Rolls-Royce Voice

Hello,
I should start calling my boss Basil Fawlty. He has recently employed Europeans (North Americans have been sent home by the Government - no new visas) who haven't got a great grasp of English. One girl, Maria from Spain, is learning the language but is yet to grasp the information to describe the company to a tourist. Another is called Manuel who is disappointingly not from Barcelona but from Switzerland.

St Margaret got her revenge today. I was up at the castle and banged my head trying to get into Edinburgh’s oldest building. I can see the headlines now "History tour guide injured by oldest building" It only hurts when I laugh. Strangely enough, I do take the piss out of this building when I do my tours - telling people that if your name is Margaret in Scotland you can join the chivalric order and clean the place up. St Margaret got her revenge. Cow.

R. Voice.

Hi,
I was listening to the radio the other day and there was a quick newscast. One of the topics was how things are getting along in the recession. Edinburgh and its tourist industry, i.e. where I am now, was the example of things going well. West Wales and the manufacturing industry i.e. where I have come from, was an example of things going badly. I could only sit and reflect on how important it is to be in the right place at the right time.

R. Voice

Hello,
Being a busy bee I was given this link to a website to help write BLOGS. I will certainly start using these methods and if it helps any of you then all the better:

http://www.copyblogger.com/write-article-fast/

I saw a car crash on Sunday. Waiting at the traffic lights I was suddenly passed by a blue sports car with an out-of-control rev. I heard a quick pop, followed by the said car losing control and careering into a shop. At the scene the car was trashed, and I was being talked to by an old lady who said "Poor lad must be so embarrassed everyone staring at him" and "Here's the bus were off to Church!” A bizarre scene!

R. Voice.

Hello,
I've been with out t'net for a week and what a strange experience that was. I found that I was able to breathe without having to check my e-mail everyday, or check what people were doing on Facebook .

It was nice to have a break. I would have eventually bought some quill pen and ink including that wax stuff and signature ring, writing to Mamaa about the rudimentary of Edinburgh Town. Thankfully 02 broadband was sorted out before I even bought a typewriter.

I promised myself that I would no longer waste time on the net and use the tool with discipline.

R. Voice

Hello,
Or should I say Merry Christmas? Too early? Not for some people. I will admit that many companies compete over Xmas events which mean getting to people first early on in the autumn. Fine. However, Lidl have already put out their Christmas stuff much to the alarm of their employees.

I did, however, get this wrong the other day. Sainsbury’s had a pamphlet which suggested "Now is the time to start your cake to be ready for Christmas” - which upset me and I complained at the right desk. But, according to someone in work, it takes three months to bathe Crimbo cake in alcohol so it’s at its best! I stand corrected.

Remember, remember its not even the 5th of November.

R. Voice

Hello,

Man comes up to me and I hand him a flyer, after reading it he says:
"I have memorised the information in my head (taps right temple) - no point wasting any (flyers)" and hands it back to me before walking off.

After telling tourists about spitting on the Heart of Midlothian for good luck, a chap from Cornwall says; "They will be closing it down soon with the Swine Flu!"

During my Mary Queen of Scots tour a small boy decides to dance through the group, and then sing opera style about 50 meters away. The group are in hysterics while I try to remain composed.

R. Voice.

Hello,
I am reading the new Dan Brown Book "The Lost Symbol" - so far so good and the formula never changes - secrets organisations, lone villain , symbols! Ancient secrets! However, Brown is skilled in making a book read like a film which is great entertainment.

My attempt to buy the book turned into a mystery - I forgot my wallet when I went to collect my reserved copy, and when I later returned I was told I was at the wrong branch! My reserve had been made at the opposite end of Princes Street which is a half mile walk! Could a secret society been trying to prevent me from reading secret stuff - or had I been working too hard and needed a day off...

I had a day off and now feeling better! Or was I kidnapped and...

R. Voice

Hello,
SMALL FOREIGN women sitting on the pavements of Edinburgh, in some strange posture while begging, is becoming a common sight here. When I saw one woman in such a state at one end of Princes Street, then saw an almost identical copy on the other end I thought "hang on - this looks almost planned - if not...organised?"

I did get a shock, however, when one was sitting on the Royal Mile and when I passed she said my name like a rasping witchy-old crow type thing! "Tttttrrrrryyyysssttttaaaannnn" I was, in fact, wearing my company name badge at the time and as soon as I remembered this I calmed down.

R. Voice

Hello,
BIG BROTHER is on its way out: yes: and most people will not have heard of or recognise this year’s winner. The usual response to the show is "yes, I enjoyed the first series with Nasty Nick but..." - didn’t we all!

My alarm, however, is towards Katy Guest, in The Independent on Sunday, who was cheered when BB winners came from traditional "Loserville" territory; "the gay man, the transsexual, the Tourette's sufferer, the Welsh"! R. Voice covers two of those territories!

Any chance of another BB series? R. Voice also has long ginger hair so ticking three boxes with C4 viewers would put me in for a chance...

Of course - it’s the fashion today to do your own show and post it on YouTube!

R. Voice

Man comes up to me and wants to know about the tours

"Are you the people who come into the city chambers make a lot of noise and disturb our meetings?"

"Yes, that’s us - sorry"

"Its ok - its more interesting!"

A horse parade in the Royal Mile finishes and people pass me and my walking tours placard:

"shouldn’t that be riding tours" or "what about horse tours"

R. Voice